Stop the world I want to get off….
Well chemo time is looming tomorrow & I cannot even describe the level of how much I don’t want to go…. It’s not an enticing idea really to willingly go and freeze my head for 3 hours and have poison pumped into my body. That strong person that wants to fight the cancer just isn’t here tonight. Instead there’s this tired and scared version of me and I hate that person.
I had a meltdown before my first chemo and I’m figuring I’ll probably have one before every session because fighting and being strong is just exhausting and every now and then there’s going to be a chink in my armour. My hair has been coming out in chunks the last two days & I’ve been close to giving in and just shaving my head so I don’t have to deal with it anymore but I’ve been persuaded to keep going with the cold capping in the hope that the hair loss will slow down.
I’m sad too because I unfriended one of my oldest friends on Facebook and I’m really wondering if he’ll even notice. He’s been conspicuously absent since I got diagnosed, when we talked all the time before, and honestly I’m sick of crying about it & I need all my energy to fight this vile disease.
I have fantastic support from friends and family, some of whom I’ve only met a few times or not seen for many years so I’ll concentrate on the fact that there’s so many people rooting for me to get through this and try not to dwell on the loss of a 30 year friendship.
And tomorrow I’ll get up, put on my Fuck Cancer t shirt & prepare to start kicking it’s ass again