Stop the world I want to get off….

Well chemo time is looming tomorrow & I cannot even describe the level of how much I don’t want to go…. It’s not an enticing idea really to willingly go and freeze my head for 3 hours and have poison pumped into my body. That strong person that wants to fight the cancer just isn’t here tonight. Instead there’s this tired and scared version of me and I hate that person.
I had a meltdown before my first chemo and I’m figuring I’ll probably have one before every session because fighting and being strong is just exhausting and every now and then there’s going to be a chink in my armour. My hair has been coming out in chunks the last two days & I’ve been close to giving in and just shaving my head so I don’t have to deal with it anymore but I’ve been persuaded to keep going with the cold capping in the hope that the hair loss will slow down.

I’m sad too because I unfriended one of my oldest friends on Facebook and I’m really wondering if he’ll even notice. He’s been conspicuously absent since I got diagnosed, when we talked all the time before, and honestly I’m sick of crying about it & I need all my energy to fight this vile disease.

I have fantastic support from friends and family, some of whom I’ve only met a few times or not seen for many years so I’ll concentrate on the fact that there’s so many people rooting for me to get through this and try not to dwell on the loss of a 30 year friendship.

And tomorrow I’ll get up, put on my Fuck Cancer t shirt & prepare to start kicking it’s ass again


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About kirstielouadams

45 year old wife and mum, newly diagnosed with Stage 3 Triple Negative Breast Cancer

7 responses to “Stop the world I want to get off….”

  1. Lex says :

    There’s nothing I can do but send you love, and I am sending that in spades. I’ll be thinking of you especially tomorrow. Xx

  2. AliKat7 (@AliKat_7) says :

    do something that’s totally selfish and spoilish tonight. Take care of you – eat chocolate, get a mani-pedi, something. Whatever it takes to make yourself feel better. And its not weak to have little breakdowns in the process of fighting this. Its normal and will likely keep you from losing your shit. I still think you’re a hero and a fighter!

  3. Julie says :

    Aw Kirstie it’s so hard when you feel let down by someone you thought would be in your life forever, I know how you feel, in that respect……and oh how it hurts BUT like you say you have more important things to focus your strength and emotions on at the minute. Look for the positive in this, it’s a hard lesson to learn and an even tougher time for you to be learning it,…..Maybe it’s time to be thinking a little more about yourself instead of worrying about someone who either doesn’t know how to deal with this or is just choosing to ignore it. A real friend would have told you somehow.Don’t waste any more time on them ma darlin. Don’t beat yourself up for the feelings of dread, you are allowed, and you are allowed to cry and feel down, and the hair thing – this may seem uncaring but whatever will be will be, IT’S YOUR SMILE WE LOVE !!!
    You get that ‘fucking’ (sorry David )T shirt on and chin up sweetheart- we are all behind you and love you. Tomorrows treatment is one less to face. You are doing GREAT Kirstie!!!!! xxxx

  4. Michelle Gaduyon says :

    We’ve never met, but sometimes you have to break to emerge stronger, you have taken on this battle with an amazing attitude! I don’t know why your friend is absent, but maybe he can’t deal with it this close to home. Either way, don’t hate that you’re feeling this way, it is part of this journey. Kick it’s ass, Kirstie!

  5. Courtney says :

    I know how much this is wearing on you. You’ve got a ton of people in your corner pulling for you. You’re going to beat this.

  6. Diane L says :

    Breaking down (and/or melting down) s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of someone who’s been strong for too long!!!! You need to give yourself a break – stop thinking “I should be, or feel, or do _______”, then beat yourself up if you can’t do it. You feel what you feel, and you can do only what you can do at any given moment. I don’t mean to be glib, but in case you haven’t thought of it like this, you are basically rebuilding an entire adult human being, cell by cell. The chemo is killing off all your cells – not just the cancer cells – but ALL of your cells, so that only new healthy cells grow back. OF COURSE YOU ARE EXHAUSTED. OF COURSE YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE BAD DAYS. OF COURSE YOU ARE GOING TO BE CRANKY AND PISSED OFF. Your body is under attack, by both the cancer AND the cure! Just keep hanging on, Kirstie. You get through this any way you can. One day to the next. Time will pass. We never know exactly what we are capable of until we have to do it. There is strength within you that you don’t even know is there. You will beat this.

  7. u2shushi says :

    Reblogged this on u2shushi and commented:

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